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Animal Jokes
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| Octopus in the bar |
A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender "give us two beers over here!"
The bartender walks over and see's the octopus and he says, "Didn't you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!"
The man say's to the bartender, "oh but you don't understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have."
The bartender replied back, "well I'll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!"
The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.
The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He's so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!
The bartender was amazed and says, "alright lets try one more".
This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says "lets see him play this!"
The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.
The bartender shouted out " See I knew he couldn't play all these instruments!"
And the man replies, "Just give him a few more minutes...
As soon as he figures out he can't have sex with it, he'll play it!"
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Texas Talkin'
Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star State... - The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart
- As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person
- Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy
- Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action
- We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced
- He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink
- She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker
- It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice
- Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving
- This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block
- He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y
- They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin
- Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told
- As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart
- You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing
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