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Animal Jokes
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| Fast Turtle |
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
"What's wrong with your turtle?"
"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.
"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says -
"I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"
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Texas Talkin'
Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star State... - The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart
- As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person
- Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy
- Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action
- We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced
- He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink
- She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker
- It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice
- Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving
- This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block
- He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y
- They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin
- Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told
- As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart
- You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing
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